Happy Birthday Angela!

I hope you had a wonderful birthday. Love ya sis!

Ireland's Birthday

Ireland had her 7th Birthday on Thursday and Mom and Dad made their way up to visit with her. It was great to see them up for a few minutes and the kids really enjoyed their company. Mom seems to be doing much better with her wrist even though it's in a brace and Dad was trying very hard. The kids even commented that he smiled a few times.

We had great news to tell them, that Megan is getting some competition now for near perfect grades. Jake pulled off an all A and 1 A- report card to match Megan's. You know it has been over 16 months now since we turned our TV off and I can say we don't miss it at all. Meg and I will catch The Office on Hulu.com, but that's the only show we see.

Plus, we just found a new boat motor for our fishing boat. The boys are looking forward to the ice coming off Strawberry so we can head out for a day of catching those big rainbows.

Just a thought

I guess this is the best format to suggest such a thing, and as usual, its unfortunate that it took an event like mom falling to initiate it...

We should either use this blog or create a blog for all of us to stay in touch with each other.

As I have been away so much, I have really enjoyed the chance to log on a see some comments...

Anyone up for managing the blog? I will tell you that I have to have my admin show me how to do anything tech related...so I'm not the guy...

Anyway, just a thought.

Moms new development

Hi All,

Yesturday when I was at the airport I got a call from mom. She had just gotten home from the doctors office for her surgical checkup. Anyway, they re-exrayed her hand and discovered a hairline fracture. This is why she has had continued pain in her wrist. They wrapped it with an ace bandage (?) and told her it should continue to heal as it was doing so correctly on its own.

Anyway, I hope all is well - Joe was doing yard work the other day and the front and back yards both look great. I had a good trip but am happy to be back home.

Thanks

I would just like to say I had a great time the other night at dinner. Karen so sorry you couldn't make it...I hope you are doing better. I know migraines can be almost impossible to deal with and I've only had two. It sounds like you get them more often and you've figured out some triggers so I hope they get fewer and further between.

Additionally Karen I appreciated your last post. I agree that Dad loves us and believes he would give up anything for our benefit. It is just so frustrating how he has almost no interpersonal skills. I also know...as do many of us... that Dad has always been this way. Michelle (cousin) said once that Aunt Barbara and Aunt Gerry tried to talk mom out of marrying dad; I don't know if that's true or not but he obviously displayed some unusal behavior that others observed so long ago. My point is that we cannot change who he is. That being said I can tell my kids he is a good person and then try to shelter them from the rude and hurtful comments dad says by limiting the time they spend with him. In all reality that's fairly easy for me since we live so far away.

Just as an FYI I've moved my flight up to Wednesday afternoon. I figured since the room was done and mom and dad were both very clear in telling me that Joe was sufficient help I should go home. This has been a very interesting trip for me - definately not what I had hoped for but it was really good to see you all.

I'll be stoping in to Mom and Dad's for a few minutes tomorrow to see if there is anything I can do but other than that I shall turn the "reins" over to Joe and Vicki.

Project Complete, FYI on Dad

Hello, Today was the most productive day for several reasons. We finished the laundry room and I say "we" because Joe was a huge help. After the carpet went down Joe cut and set the mop boards and calked them as well. They look great. Then he helped me finish up the cabinets and move all the stuff back in. The room looks great and I think it will be a nice room for mom to do all her stuff in. I was over at mom and dads from around noon till midnight tonight. Griffin was great since he played with Bryson the entire time and then Vicki feed him dinner so I could keep working. It was team work at it's best!

Dad had some tests run and it looks like he is dispelling blood threw his bowels (I know TMI). Anyway, the doctor called and wouldn't discuss it over the phone but he has an appointment next week. I told mom if it was real serious or something they needed to act on immediately they would have him in the office today but they are still a little worried.

Tomorrow I will be taking mom and dad into SL to have their taxes filed and then I will be "off duty" until further notice.

Mom's Progress

So today the physical therypist came by again and mom is doind very well. She is gaining more confidence standing on her own and after her terapy session I took her for a drive. She was shocked to see how far the interchange in Layton is going and then we drove past her favorite spot - A&W Rootbeer to get a cone. She's like a kid with ice cream (but I am too).

When I arrived today dad was in quite the state - low blood sugar, could barely stand, couldn't see. I asked what I could get him and he muttered "a pepsi, in this blue carrier, by my chair". He was out of sorts most of the day and wouldn't eat until we offered him an arbys roast beef (which he believes the doctor said it would be fine for him to eat that for every meal since he's anemic). Anyway, this "diet" plan he's on is the lamest thing ever but who am I to change it?

I finished the painting today and it looks ok. The carpet is being installed tomorrow and then I will stay late and put up the shelves and clean everything up. Joe was very helpful to move the shelving units in as they are extremely heavy and he is (I think) planning on moving the washer and dryer out tomorrow morning.

Gretchen and Matt were over today - I think they are great friends with Joe and Vicki and they all seem to have a good time together. It's good to see Gretchen soo happy.

That's about it. Oh, one more thing...this new carpet is just going to add to the patchwork quilt of carpets at mom and dads. They have decided that they will put a laminate down in the kitchen, down the hall and in the dining room. It's not as expensive as they thought but they will have to wait until someone is available to install - that's the plan, I think.

Feedback Please...

In my opinion it would be helpful, as we work toward building consensus around our efforts, that we hear from ALL of the family. I know individually we are busy, however if we could hear from Adam and Karen it would help. Your opinion is important on these issues and even necessary as we move forward. Joe, Vickie, Mom and Dad, clearly we would love your input here if you're willing to express it. Please let us know where our thinking has gone sideways and where some correction is necessary. This venue may prove to be just what we have long needed in order to build the unity that I think we would all like to see. This will take real effort on every one's part and even a willingness to provide and receive corrective criticism if necessary. With open hearts and minds a real transformation is still possible for this family but it will take all of our willingness to roll up our sleeves and pitch in.

Just a thought...

One Week Down, Two and a Half to go....

Ok, so first off I'd like to apologize to Mike for not posting sooner. I feel like he's really taken the slack up and tried to keep everyone in the know... it's not that I didn't want to post I just have a harder time since I'm at Mom and Dad's most of the time and when I'm at the Rands's (this is the correct proper pluralization of my last name, I know it looks weird but it's correct) home it's more difficult to post.

Anyway, to report on Moms progress she is doing really good. She is able to move around very well with a walker which keeps her stable, additionally she is doing her therepy diligently and rides the bike each day. She likes to keep moving as much as possible so she will empty the dishwasher or heat up hers/dads lunch or fold a load of laundry. (As a side note dad is back to the typical sit in a chair all day and have mom do everything for him. Well, today he did drill a hole in a back stracher so he could hang it up. But then the wood cracked so he taped it with scotch tape). Everyone knows that mom likes to keep herself busy and she is trying to do that still but within a limit. She tires much quicker - so it would be difficult for her to make a meal but heating it up is not a problem, she can pull sheets off the bed to wash but would need help to remake the bed, she can keep her bathroom clean but would need help with the heavy cleaning and vaccuuming.

I hope this gives you an idea as to her progress this far. Now, while I've been there I've been working on the laundry room hoping to make it an easier room for her to work in. I should be done by Friday. It will have new paint, carpet, and shelves installed. After I finish my work on the room I will be spending less time at the house. As you've read in Mikes' posts it appears that Mom and Dad both prefer to have Joe assist them. For instance, I told dad last night I'd see him first thing to take him to the doctors this morning. I arrived after 9:00 and told him I'd be in the laundry room when he was ready to go. After about an hour I came out looking for him but he'd gotten Joe to drive him.

I was a little irritated since that's why I flew out here but I am trying to enjoy my visit with mom. I just wish I knew how they both felt before I told Dave he had to spend his 40th birthday alone because I thought I could help out here. That and I would have saved a lot of money by just calling to see how everyone was doing. Oh, not to mention that I seemed to have irritated him by doing the little "remodel".

I plan on continuing through the week with meals since I'll be there working on the laundry room but it sounds like Joes got everything under control so unless otherwise noted I guess we can just check in on them. I was picking up groceries since when I arrived there was no fresh fruit of veggies so Joe will have to do that as well.

My honest assessment of the situation after the three frustrating conversations I've had with dad, mom and Joe is that they don't need nor have they asked for anyones help. But on the other hand mom and dad would like a family that all gets along. I guess by not being together we would by default be "getting along". Oh, one a side note does anyone out there know of a company that will hire someone with a DUI? Because evidentally that one DUI is the reason Joe hasn't been able to get a job in the last eight years. Which is ironic if you ask me, getting a CDL but as dad likes to say "I don't have all the information so I don't know what I'm talking about"!

Thanks to everyone who brought in meals. Now - since I'll be done "helping" by the end of the week if you are open for lunch and want company let me know!! I guess I'll catch up on my reading while I'm on vacation.

Ugh!

Mike and Angie...thanks for all you're doing to try and help this situation! I know I speak for most of us when I say we appreciate your efforts on our behalves to try and resolve such an aggrivating situation.

Angie, thanks for being such a good example of loving service. Although there have been many hard words and hurt feelings (and cheek bones), I have to assume, deep down your kindness has been received with a measure of thankfulness.

Even as I attempt to find the words that will adequately express my frustration, I find it terribly difficult. One of the significant stumbling blocks to any positive outcome to this or any other situation we may find ourselves in with Mom and Dad is that Dad has never been able to put others needs or desires ahead of his own. Its really that simple! I'm not trying to belittle or disrespect our father it just helps me understand, at least to some degree, why things continue to turn out the way they do in our family. If one applies this perspective to the challenges of the past, no matter how far back one goes or the challenge faced by the family or dad himself, his selfish disires have led to poor outcomes, abrassive tones, harsh words and hurt feelings. If he feels threatened by someone or something, he lashes out, speaks unkindly, gets defensive and rationalizes his behavior (and calls the police). As we have all grown and matured, for the most part at least, we recognize the fault in this mindset. We subsequently are learning to overcome this "natural man" and do our best to be humble and kind. Are we always shinning examples of perfection? Absolutely not...but, our interntions are pure, our desire is for the best and our only hope is to see that Mom and Dad are happy and well cared for. The financial burden, being placed on Mom and Dad, either intentionally or inadvertantly, by the presence of Joe and his family simply is not fair...mostly to Mom. Because Dad selfishly has the need to be needed by Joe, the situation remains and he overbareingly places his will in front of his sweet wife's and subsequently they all suffer. We see it now and they will see it someday. Perhaps then will they wish that they possessed the wisdom and courage to follow the council of thier children, brothers and sisters. For now we are probably left to be patient and to love them in spite of thier poor decisions. Unfortunately, this love may have to be expressed from a distance at times, because it sounds like this may be what they have grown to prefer. I wish this were not the case however, agency remains a powerful tool of learning regardless of how far down the path we find ourselves in this life!

A Call To Action

I'll admit, this is not going to be one of the easiest blog entries to write, or possibly to read, but what happened last night clearly needs to be said and needs to be read by anyone interested in Mom and Dad's well being.

Joe called a meeting with Mom, Dad and Angie to "work out" the issues that came up earlier in the week when the police were called. Joe invited Craig Anderson, a member of their stake presidency, to moderate the discussion and give his council. For the first 2 hours, the discussion was relatively calm and resulted in the assessment from Craig that:
1) Joe needs to actively start the process of moving out and
2) Everyone else in the family needs to be transitioned in to help mom and dad with their needs such as Dr visits, cleaning, Rx runs etc.

Craig excused himself and we continued to talk for about another hour. It was painfully clear over the 3 hours that we talked, that Joe has moved both mom and dad into "his corner" by effectively closing out the rest of the family. Mom admitted that she and dad are uncomfortable visiting any of our homes, and that Joe and Vicki are the only ones they can count on for their support. All the other 6 children are entirely unreliable and undependable according to Mom, Dad and Joe. Remember that Angie, who has taken a month off from her family to be here, was in the room.

We made the statements very clear that Mom and Dad's decision to harbor one son and his family has alienated the rest of their children and grandchildren. They have 23 grand children but a relationship with only 2 of them.

Angie summarized by adding another condition to Joe. He has until March 21, 2010 to 1) Move out or 2) Get a Job, or she will either 1) File the assault charges or 2) Report the situation to the state Adult Protective services.

We know that any assault charges will result in a more difficult situation for Joe. This is absolutely not what we want. Reporting their current situation to the state will be the likely outcome. This is not at all a bad thing. If the state comes in and investigates the living conditions and financial impact of having Joe's family live there, including the second mortgage on the home to pay for Joe's car, and believes that there is no harm being done, we can all rest assured. It will be sad to know what mom and dad have sacrificed for Joe and Vicki, but we have always know Dad would sacrifice anything for any one of us, (or as in this case all the rest of us for one of us).

Remember, we must continue to communicate what is happening. This blog entry is my impression of what happened last night. If I interpreted things wrong, speak up. If anything I have said is inaccurate, speak up. Silence is acceptance or indifference.

In the parable of the Lost Sheep, the Good Shephard left the 99 to search out the 1 who had strayed, then He brought him back to the fold. Mom and Dad have seached out the 1 who has strayed, but have not brought him back. Instead they stayed away, separated from others and abandoning their flock. It's time for us to go and invite them back.

The First Amendment

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."


I think we can all recognize the first amendment of our country's constitution. The reason for this amendment was to limit our government's ability to cut off the people's ability to speak freely about things that mater to them and impact them. Without this power, our government would control the people when the people speak out against their policies, by shutting down communication.


This is what happened last week when the post was turned off. The information being shared among us was contrary to interest of the blog's author. His action was a perfect example of what our founding father's feared would happen and why they wrote the amendment.


To remedy this, I have opened up this new blog, and commit to all of you that regardless of what is written, I will not turn it off. This is for all of us to share our feelings, impressions and experiences without fear of censorship. Everyone is expected to post, to comment and to share. Your voice means you care and are concerned about Mom and Dad and the environment they are living in. Your silence is interpreted as either acceptance or indifference to what is being shared.

New blog

The past week has brought some changes for Mom and Dad. I will try to summarize what has happened. This will now be the blog to use for communicating about our parents. Everyone is invited to view often and post comments or ad posts. Notice in the heading I have a quote from one of President Monson's talks. His name is a link to the talk if you would like to read it.

Angie arrived last week and has been quite a blessing to Mom and Dad, helping around the house and preparing meals. Mom's progress has been great, and she is even doing many of the things she had been previously doing, like fixing small meals and cleaning. When I last visited, on Friday, she was working on her taxes while Dad watched TV. She is so organized when it comes to their finances.

Midway through the week, an altercation arose that resulted in the reality for Joe and Vicki to move out. They will be looking for an apartment and moving out over the next couple of weeks so be prepared to lend a hand when the need comes up.

Keep trying to visit or call on your assigned day. Mom will need a great deal of help as these changes take place.